When a Flower Blooms in a Dark Room…

Why did I leave Facebook for a while? Why did I break from Social Media (or social mediocrity as I call it now…haha)? What did I do during that time? What did I learn? I traveled and saw parts of the world I never thought I’d see.

I read books and expanded my breadth of knowledge (which, I’ll admit, isn’t very wide to begin with). I had amazing conversations with inspiring people and laughed my ass off playing Cards for Humanity (that’s a lot of laughing). I practiced my smokey eye.  I tried new lip sticks.  I dyed my hair.  I went to the movies.  I treated myself to a Broadway play in London.  I slept on my friends’ couches.  I took long drives with friends who needed to get out of the house.  I fried chicken for the first time in years and got a round of applause from my family as I walked in smelling of oil and Lawry’s seasoned salt, holding a large tin tray filled with chicken wangs (not wings…wangs).  I spent way too much money at Sephora.  I grew closer to my friends and family, who saw me through a bad depressive episode.

I grew closer to my SELF.

“If I told you that a flower bloomed in a dark room, would you trust it?”  That’s my favorite line from Kendrick Lamar’s “Poetic Justice.”  My second favorite line: “Love is not just a verb, it’s you looking in the mirror.”  If I could summarize my social media hiatus…nah, if I could sum up ALL OF 2015 in two sentences, I’d use these lines.

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I buried myself in darkness.  I chose silence. I blocked out the noise of the world around me and the static of my thoughts. I sat face to face with myself and listened to what my spirit had to say. I sat quietly and listened intently to the wisdom within. I asked a recurring question: Who am I? I received many answers. “You are who you’re supposed to be. You are everything. You are light. You are a vessel. You are love. You are okay. You are safe. You are powerful. You are perfect as you are. You are whole.”

I asked another question: Who am I supposed to be? I received no direct answer. What I inferred from the silence was, “Just be and all will be made clear.”

There’s this tendency to push for success, for love, for money, for a sense of purpose. And all the while, the trees stand still and tall, their leaves swaying in the wind, turning varying shades of amber as they fall to the ground. The butterflies fly free, the beauty of their wings made plain for all to admire, but they’re not bothered about who is taking notice and who isn’t. The sun rises and sets and the moon continues to reflect its light. The tides of oceans rise and fall, waves kissing the sand in different places; shorelines recede without resistance. The light of dead stars, millions of years old and traveling from millions of miles away, continues to shine in the sky, unconcerned with whether or not it is noticed.

My SELF said to stop pushing and be in the moment. “Be with whatever you are feeling. Be with whatever and whoever brings you joy. Be love. Be truth. Be light. Be alone. Be silent. Be mindful. Be you, whoever you are from moment to moment, because who you are in each moment is who you’re supposed to be, and it’s enough—it’s always enough. There is nothing missing. Lack is an illusion.”

During my time away, I received messages from people who said they missed me, my insight, my words, and my wisdom. Ha!  I knew nothing of the wisdom and insight they spoke of!!  I just be saying shit. But they said they felt my absence and they were worried when I closed myself off from them.   The truth is, I felt I had nothing to give anyone. I had poured myself out and had nothing to left to say. I had nothing to share with the world. I was empty.

And then my SELF said, “Empty is good. You are a vessel. The light comes through you. All you have to do is show up. Whatever needs to be said, or not said; whatever needs to be done, or not done, will be made clear.”

Me just BEing and showing up is powerful. My transparency is inspiring. My passion is motivating. I don’t have to worry about saying the right things or looking good for anyone at all! I’m so free. So free.

Who am I?

Yesterday, a public speaking coach referred to me as a visionary.  We had been working together for 3 days.  I felt a tear sting my eyes.  A visionary?  Yeah?

Yeah.  Actually, it makes perfect sense.

I’m not an entrepreneur, I’m a visionary. I’m not building a business or a brand, and I’m not selling myself or products. I’m not Facebook famous (nor do I want to be).  What I have to offer, and what I have always had to offer, is myself and all that I’ve learned.  The goal of this work is to show you a new way of thinking about yourself, others, and life. I’m asking that you make a connection between acceptance and transformation.  My message is made plain in all that I share about myself, my experiences, and my life.

I’m not building a business, I’m spreading a message.

And I have nothing to prove. All I have to do is show up.